


Imagine being loved by me

by smallvictories



Category: Better Call Saul (TV)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Blow Jobs, Dirty Talk, Dissociation, Dom/sub Undertones, F/M, Femdom, Hand Jobs, Humiliation kink, Hurt/Comfort, Light Bondage, Mild Blood, Mild Horror, Pegging, Porn With Plot, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Praise Kink, Prostate Massage, SFW art, based on bcs s05e09, based on bcs s05e10
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:42:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25372582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallvictories/pseuds/smallvictories
Summary: Kim watches him with such worry in her eyes. He stares back, wincing as he struggles to breathe. Why did she ask him to marry her? He can’t believe after everything he’s put her through all these years, she still gives a fuck about him. Thanks to him, she almost died. They both almost died.
Relationships: Jimmy McGill | Saul Goodman/Kim Wexler
Comments: 35
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

“I found his car in a ravine – bullet holes in the side. So, I’m just waiting to hear how that happened.”

Jimmy stands stiffly behind Kim and stares at the dim light gleaming in the metal of the handgun at Lalo’s waistband. He hears the familiar tone of Kim’s voice, but his brain can’t make sense of her speech as blood rushes in his ears.

Lalo watches Kim intently, every so often glancing toward him. Eventually, Kim stops speaking and Lalo stares coldly at him for what feels like forever. 

And just like that, Lalo walks past him and out their door.

Jimmy feels paralyzed, his mind racing. Suddenly, he remembers – Mike is waiting.

Jimmy uproots himself stiffly and moves toward the kitchen. He picks up his cellphone from its hiding place behind the counter ledge and brings it up to his ear.

“Hey, did you hear all that?” he asks hoarsely.

“I heard enough to know she saved your ass.” Mike replies curtly.

“So… so what happens next?” Jimmy tries to sound casual.

“We’ll see.”

The call disconnects.

Jimmy exhales and sinks down onto a chair at the counter, setting his phone down with trembling hands. He tries to slow his breathing, but he can’t seem to get a grip. His heart races and feels out of rhythm. Is Lalo coming back tonight? Should they run?

Kim's voice jolts him from his train of thought.

“Who was that?” she asks in a shaky voice as she walks over to stand beside him, "Jimmy, should we go?"

“Where are we gonna go? He’ll find us anyways." Jimmy replies resignedly.

Kim raises her eyebrows at this.

He has an urge to tell her everything. Every ugly detail. Images and sensations flash into his head, simultaneously, yet separate and distinct. The barrel of a gun, warm blood soaking through his shirt, bullets whizzing through the air, the sickening wet crunch of tires on a corpse, sand in his mouth and hard-packed ground beneath his knees.

He clears his throat and then gasps for air. What the fuck is happening?

His tie feels abruptly and unbearably tight. Jimmy claws in vain at the knot, starting to pant and sweat as he fumbles, his fingers refusing to cooperate.

Kim grasps Jimmy’s shoulders and spins him around in his seat to face her.

"Jimmy…” Kim begins gently, reaching out and grabbing his wrists to still his hands.

Jimmy flinches when she touches him. He can’t even hear her anymore over his own pulse. He pants faster now, on the verge of hyperventilating, and groans in defeat.

He abandons the knot of his tie and pulls his hands from Kim’s grasp to begin vigorously kneading his chest as the tightness there threatens to make him implode. He pinches his eyes shut and hunches over in his seat, moaning and clenching his teeth as hot pain blossoms in his chest.

“Jimmy, look at me!” Kim barks, genuine fear in her voice. 

He snaps his head up to look at Kim, keeping his hand pressed tightly to his chest, and wills his heart to slow. He feels light-headed, like he might pass out any moment. She probably thinks he’s having a heart attack. Maybe he is? How funny would it be to die in this kitchen after narrowly escaping a gunshot to the head by the most deranged Salamanca?

Kim watches him with such worry in her eyes. He stares back, wincing as he struggles to breathe. Why did she ask him to marry her? He can’t believe after everything he’s put her through all these years, she still gives a fuck about him. Thanks to him, she almost died. They both almost died.

Hell, he _knew_ Lalo would kill them. He just decided not to do it _tonight_. More sharp pain shoots through Jimmy’s left side at this realization, and he crosses his arms tightly over his chest. He closes his eyes and gnaws at the inside of his cheek, praying it will stop soon.

Marrying him is the biggest mistake of Kim’s life. He’s sure of it.

“Jimmy, please.”

Kim steps closer and stands between his legs as he slouches into the chair. She raises both her hands and runs them through his hair and down the back of his neck, resting her arms on his shoulders.

Jimmy inhales sharply with discomfort as her arms press against the friction burns inflicted by the straps of the overloaded duffel bags. Kim quickly removes her arms and creases her brow apologetically.

“Tell me what happened in the desert.”

Kim reaches out and lifts Jimmy’s chin to bring his eyes up to hers, their foreheads nearly touching. Jimmy turns his gaze downward as tears threaten to spill from the corners of his eyes, guiltily avoiding her stare, beyond certain he has doomed them both. 

Jimmy hears a loud sob break through the apartment and realizes with a shock that it came from him. He lets his forehead drop onto Kim's shoulder, and she leans forward to brace herself against his weight, holding him gently around the waist.

He gasps for breath and wills himself to stop, but more unwelcome sobs sound from deep within his chest. Oddly enough, this time it's not the sound of gunfire and smell of blood that invades his brain, but the scent of smoke and flame-retardant foam.

Maybe he should have seen that shrink way back when Kim suggested it. Would it have made anything better? Would a shrink have made Chuck proud of him? Or make him a worthy law partner for Kim? Would they have been any help when he was drinking cucumber water and vodka for dinner in the back of a nail salon?

Jimmy cries harder. Everything he tries to accomplish, whether on the level or slightly off it, gets fucked up in the end. He's the common denominator. Everything he touches turns to shit. After all, he's _slippin' Jimmy_ and always will be.

Jimmy takes a couple shuddering breaths and turns from Kim, wiping his eyes on his collar. He feels his face burn in humiliation at his weakness. Snot starts to run from his nose and he quickly wipes it away with his cuff.

They could have died, and he turned into a useless block of stone while Kim took on Lalo by herself. He can't protect Kim, not from the cartel. Not from anyone. If it hadn’t been for Mike, he would be in a shallow desert grave right now. He can’t even protect _himself_.

Jimmy lays his head on the cool granite of the countertop facing away from Kim, choosing the blue of the aquarium over the blue of Kim’s eyes, trying and failing to swallow his cries. Kim rubs gentle circles in the centre of his back, carefully avoiding his injured shoulder blades.

“Let’s get you to bed.” Kim whispers.

Jimmy's breathing slows while he watches his goldfish swim lazily around her aquarium. His head feels impossibly warm and heavy, he just needs to rest here for a while.

“C’mon.” Kim gently grasps around his waist from behind and encourages him to stand. “Time to get up.”

Jimmy awkwardly slides forward on the stool and places his feet carefully down on the floor. He stands up, gripping the edge of the granite where he rested his head and there's a pool of tears there, still warm. He dries his hand on his chest and then rubs his tired eyes, swaying slightly on unsteady legs filled with pins and needles.

Kim reaches out, pulling his arm over her shoulder and wrapping her arm around his waist. Her eyebrows knit together as Jimmy sways a little with each step, like he's had too much to drink. 

Unsteadily, they make their way into the bedroom and sit down slowly on Kim’s side of the bed. Jimmy looks at Kim sitting beside him and holding his hand. A few more tears slip from the corners of his eyes and roll down his cheeks and neck, before soaking into the collar of his rumpled shirt. 

She grips his hand a bit tighter, and Jimmy stares at the thick rug beneath his feet, biting the inside of his cheek and trying to gather his thoughts. 

Kim reaches over him and retrieves the box of tissue from her nightstand. Jimmy gratefully accepts a handful of tissues and blows his nose before tucking them in his shirt pocket. Jimmy clears his throat and keeps his eyes on his feet as he runs them back and forth across the fibres of the rug. He swallows a couple times before he finally speaks. 

“Kim, I’m… I’m really sorry about that.” He motions with one hand toward the kitchen.

“What exactly are you apologizing for?” Kim asks, “The cartel member showing up at our door? Or your panic attack?”

“For everyth- wait, what?” Jimmy pauses, bewildered.

Kim places her hand on Jimmy’s shoulder.

"Jimmy, you had a panic attack. Just now, in the kitchen.”

“Kim, no. That's not…” Jimmy clears his throat. “That was just stress. You know, I’m fine. Seriously. I’m just in pain from carrying those bags. You know I haven’t been sleeping well, because of the pain.” 

Jimmy wants to smooth everything over and erase this humiliating episode from memory, but Kim interrupts.

“Stop. Just listen.” 

Jimmy falls silent and looks curiously at Kim. 

“I know what a panic attack looks like. My mom used to have them a lot." Kim purses her lips and narrows her eyes at her hands clasped in her lap.

Jimmy frowns, lost in thought. Kim hasn't told him much about her mom. Talking about their parents isn't something either of them like doing.

“She had so many problems, anxiety was just part of it. Anyways, she had them a lot when I was little, and there wasn’t anything I could do."

Kim pauses a moment, seeming to consider whether she should continue. Jimmy squeezes her hand.

"Instead of getting help, she started drinking. The panic attacks didn’t seem to happen when she was drunk, so I guess that's why she liked to stay drunk. She was always mean to me though, drunk or not.” Kim pauses to catch her breath, her eyes wide.

Jimmy is stunned. He’s not sure how to react, he doesn’t want to scare her off, not when she’s finally sharing something this personal with him. He squeezes her hand tighter.

“Jesus, Kim. I’m sorry. I didn’t know–”

Kim waves away his apology. "I just want you to know, having panic attacks doesn’t make you weak.”

At the last part of her statement, Jimmy sniffs and wipes away his tears before they can further soak his shirt collar. He looks across the room into the mirror by their closet and locks eyes with his reflection, abruptly realizing what a complete mess he is. 

His face is red and tear-streaked, and his hair hangs damp and stringy, splayed at an odd angle against his sweat-beaded forehead. Large sweat stains have seeped through his shirt, extending down from his underarms. Jimmy gives an exasperated sigh as exhaustion gnaws at him in the pit of his stomach.

Kim rubs the top of his thigh comfortingly. “Hold on, I’ll be right back.”

Kim exits the bedroom and Jimmy hears the clink of glass and the tap running in the kitchen. A moment later, she returns with a glass of water and a wet cloth.

She stands in front of Jimmy and carefully passes him the glass of water.

Jimmy hums softly with appreciation as he takes it and hopes Kim doesn't notice how his hands tremble.

He gulps the water down quickly and sets the empty glass on the nightstand.

"Thanks."

Kim shifts the cloth between her hands and sets it down beside the empty glass. She kneels between his legs and unzips his pants. Jimmy rests his hands limply against the mattress and spreads his knees apart to give her better access. She works open his belt buckle and then pulls his suit pants and boxer shorts down to his ankles. He lifts his legs to help her slide them off over his feet. 

Next, she unclasps his sock garters and peels them off along with his socks, tossing them in a pile behind her along with his pants. She gently rubs where the garters left little imprints on his calves, and Jimmy grunts softly, stretching his legs out toward her. 

She finishes stripping him down and his eyelids start to droop. She shifts forward and rests her elbows on his thighs just above his knees. Jimmy opens his eyes and gives her a tired smile. Kim braces herself on his legs and pulls herself back up. Jimmy sits naked at the edge of the bed, fidgeting with his pinky ring and looking up questioningly at Kim.

Kim looks him up and down, her eyes sparkling with mischief.

“Lay down.”

Jimmy immediately swivels his body and swings his legs up onto the bed, laying back into the pillows and clasping his hands on top of his stomach.

Kim steps closer and leans over him. She caresses his cheek and runs her hands down his chest, smiling when he drops his hands and grips the bedspread. He closes his eyes and tries to ignore the ache in his back, enjoying the cool air on his exposed body. 

He hears Kim move something on the nightstand, and he knows by the way his eyelids darken that she is standing over him again. She wipes the cool, damp cloth over his forehead, smoothing his hair back. Kim sighs as Jimmy’s breathing getting slower and deeper. 

“That feels good.” Jimmy murmurs. He cranes his neck forward and folds his hands behind his head.

He is starting to drift when Kim takes advantage of his new position and swipes the cloth along his exposed armpit. Jimmy's eyes snap open and he jerks his arms back down, a strange hybrid of a snort and a giggle escaping his throat. 

Kim loves Jimmy’s snort giggle and never passes up an opportunity to draw one out of him.

“I was almost asleep!” Jimmy jokingly admonishes while Kim laughs at him.

“I’m sorry Jimmy, but you snort like a little piggy.” Kim catches her breath and wipes tears laughter from her eyes.

“C’mere!” Jimmy turns suddenly and grabs Kim by her hips, drawing a small shriek of surprise from her as he pulls her down on top of him.

His world fills with Kim's face, and she smiles at him like he's twice the man he really is, and he can't help but smile back, even while his heart aches. How long will she stick around with someone like him?

He reaches up and pulls the elastic from Kim's hair, sending it cascading down around his face. He closes his eyes and inhales deeply. A floral scent, oranges, and something else distinctly _Kim_ that he hasn’t figured out yet.

Kim scoffs and pulls a face of mock disgust, "Jimmy, are you smelling my hair?"

"Yeah," he laughs into her hair, "can I borrow your shampoo? I wanna smell like a pretty flower too."

Kim playfully slaps his chest and moves her hands up to frame his face. She kisses him softly, swiping her tongue across his lips before she draws back and looks at him carefully.

Jimmy feels himself beginning to stiffen against the rough fabric of Kim's dress.

"What do you need, Jimmy?"

His smile fades. He opens his mouth to speak, but no words come. He doesn’t have the right to ask her for anything. He closes his mouth and clears his throat, trying to avoid her gaze, but it’s impossible.

"I don't deserve you." Jimmy's voice cracks on his last word and he pinches his eyes shut, tears rolling from the corners.

"Why do you always try to make my decisions for me?" Kim asks, her voice shaking.

"I don't, I just-"

Kim sits up, straddling him.

"Jimmy, I decide what you deserve from me. Not you. Not anyone else."

Jimmy barely chokes back a sob.

"I fucked it all up, like I always do."

Jimmy sucks in a breath. This is dangerous. He's giving away too much. Kim watches him curiously but doesn't say a word.

"I'm a piece of shit. You have no idea what I've done." Jimmy grits his teeth, trying to keep from breaking down again.

"What are you talking about?" Kim asks cautiously, her eyes narrowing.

She reaches up and runs her hand along his jawline, his stubble rasping against her skin.

He can’t hide this from her any longer. Kim deserves to know who she married. He begins to weep and hides his face in his hands.

"Hey, it’s okay.” Kim whispers, gently prising his hands from his face and holding them at his sides.

"I- I killed h-him." Jimmy chokes out between his sobs, shaking his head.

Kim raises her eyebrows.

"What are you talking about? Who?"

"Ch-Chuck. I'm the reason he's dead." Jimmy closes his eyes and refuses to look at Kim. He can't bear her disappointment.

"Jimmy," Kim begins cautiously, "that wasn't your fault. How could it possibly be your fault?"

Jimmy exhales hard and summons all his courage.

"I'm the one who tipped off the insurance company. They upped HHM's premiums because I told them Chuck was sick."

He slowly opens his eyes. Kim looks at him calculatingly, but doesn’t seem angry, just curious.

"Why?”

“I was so _angry.”_ Jimmy admits. “I wanted to fuck him over like he did to me.”

Kim looks thoughtful and Jimmy decides to continue.

“After your accident, I went over to his place and tried to patch things up.” Jimmy catches his breath and looks up at Kim.

"I said we should stick together, but h-he told me… I never mattered all that much to him. That’s the last thing he said to me before–"

Jimmy's breath hitches and he begins to cry again, deep sobs that hurt his ribs and make him lightheaded from lack of oxygen.

Kim spreads her body out on top of Jimmy and presses her weight down on him, wrapping him in her arms and squeezing tight. She presses kisses to the side of his neck.

"It’s not your fault, but I’m glad you told me." Kim whispers into his ear, wiping tears from his cheek.

Jimmy doesn’t hear her at all.

"Oh god, what have I done?" Jimmy moans with anguish, panic rising in his chest. "I’m never gonna see him again!”

He scrapes his nails down his cheeks and stares up at the ceiling through wisps of Kim’s hair.

Kim watches Jimmy’s face twist up in pain, flushed red and wet with his tears. Silent tears of her own roll down her cheeks. She rubs his chest comfortingly as more sobs rack his body.

"I forget sometimes y'know." Jimmy rasps, "I wake up in the middle of the night and for just a second, I forget he's dead.”

Kim continues to rub his chest while he catches his breath and composes himself. Eventually, she swings her leg up and pushes herself off Jimmy. She beckons him to get up so she can lift the covers. She pulls back the bedsheets and ushers Jimmy to slide under them.

"Unzip me?" Kim lays down with her back to him.

Jimmy carefully pulls her hair out of the way and slides the zipper down. She stands up and shimmies the dress off, letting it drop down to the floor. She slides off her panties and unclasps her bra, letting them fall on the floor along with her dress.

Kim motions to Jimmy to slide over and make room.

Jimmy shuffles toward the center of the bed and turns his back to Kim. She snuggles up behind him, wrapping her arms around him and pressing kisses gently to his back, avoiding his friction burns as best she can.

Jimmy tucks up his knees to his chest and tries to catch his breath, wiping the tears off his face with the bedsheets.

"Jimmy, it’s not your fault." Kim's voice comes softly against his ear, "It just isn’t.”

Jimmy exhales and shakes his head. He can’t handle talking about it anymore.

Kim delicately kisses his earlobe, and he sighs.

“I love you.”

A beat passes before he realizes that he said it out loud. He tenses up and waits to see if Kim will react. He’s told her before, but only a couple times during lovemaking or if he had too much to drink. She would always pretend she didn’t hear him in the heat of the moment or laugh it off and give him a kiss.

Kim isn’t comfortable with those kinds of declarations, and he’s learned to keep them to himself. Just when he thinks she’s decided to ignore it again, her voice comes softly from behind.

"I know that." She replies, kissing his neck. "I married you because I love you too, you know that, right?"

Jimmy exhales and relaxes back into her, smiling so hard his face starts to hurt. "I thought this was just for legal reasons."

"I mean, technically marriage is _always_ for legal reasons." Kim says sensibly.

Jimmy laughs a little. "I guess you're right about that."

A few minutes pass while Kim plays with his hair and gently rubs his chest.

"Kim, could you…” He trails off, shyness overcoming him, though he has no idea why.

"What is it?"

Jimmy turns over to face Kim and fidgets with his hands.

"Would you please fuck me?" He looks at her wide-eyed, full of nervous excitement.

Kim sits up and looks uneasy. "Now? Are you sure?"

She’s probably a little concerned by his sudden shift in gears. One minute he’s crying over his dead brother, and the next he wants sex? Jimmy doesn’t understand it either.

"Kim, please." Jimmy pleads, cringing at how needy he sounds.

Kim studies his face thoughtfully and then leans in for a kiss, tangling their tongues and drawing a moan from him.

"Do you want it rough or easy this time?" She asks, her eyes sparkling mischievously.

Jimmy fidgets with the hem of the bedsheet and avoids her gaze.

"Rough, please." he replies weakly, swallowing hard.

Kim leans down and kisses him hard, biting down on his bottom lip and making him inhale sharply.

"I'll be right back." Kim gets up and heads into the washroom.

Jimmy exhales and sits up, fiddling with his pinky ring in anxious excitement.

Kim returns wearing his favourite strap and stands in front of him, hands on her hips, blonde hair spilling over her shoulders. Seeing her like this never gets old.

“God, you’re beautiful.” Jimmy sighs, his stomach clenching with arousal. He begins stroking himself idly while he admires her.

Kim tightens the straps around her thighs and flashes him a hungry smile.

"Come here." She instructs, pointing at her feet.

Jimmy jumps up from the bed and stands in front of her.

"Turn around."

Jimmy gulps and turns his back to her. She reaches down and opens her nightstand drawer, retrieving a set of leather cuffs. She pulls Jimmy's hands behind his back and he breathes a little faster when the dildo nudges the back of his thighs as she cuffs his wrists one at time, before snapping them together.

She turns him back around and points at the small span of wall between her nightstand and the doorframe of the bathroom.

“On your knees, against the wall.”

Jimmy obediently walks over and drops to the floor, the carpeted floor only marginally softening the blow to his aching knees. He leans back against the wall and looks up at the dildo and then up at Kim’s face. His penis stands stiffly between thighs, nearly filled out just from watching Kim and the feeling of the cuffs on his wrists. It twitches eagerly as he looks up at her.

Kim smiles down at him. "You look really good like this, Jimmy."

Jimmy smiles back up at her, his face flushed. He squirms impatiently, anticipating what comes next.

Kim steps forward until her cock gently bumps his chin.

"You know what to do." She says coldly, bracing herself against the wall and rolling her hips forward gently to slide the tip over his lips.

Jimmy hums appreciatively and runs his tongue over it before opening his mouth wide for her. She thrusts deep into Jimmy's throat, bumping his head back into the wall, choking him. She pulls out for a moment.

"Is this good?" She asks, looking down at him, voice shaking slightly in excitement.

"Yeah," Jimmy affirms breathlessly with saliva running from the corners of his mouth. He knows how much she loves it when he begs. _"Please,_ don't stop."

Kim smirks and reaches down and grabs a fistful of his hair, tilting his head back and drawing a moan. She pushes back into his mouth and pumps her hips, forcing her cock down his throat. He relaxes his muscles and hums around it, instinctively rocking his hips in search of friction.

Kim pulls out of his mouth and releases his hair.

"Get on the bed."

Jimmy moans with need, his lips slightly swollen, wet and red from her fucking his mouth. Jimmy leans back against the wall and pushes himself up to his feet. He walks over to the bed with Kim close behind. She pushes him down face-first into the mattress and gives his ass a sharp slap, making him cry out.

“Give me your ass.” Kim orders.

Jimmy obediently pulls up his legs and sticks his ass up in the air, his face pressing harder into the mattress with his hands bound uselessly behind his back.

Kim grips his hips and he awkwardly shuffles back to get closer to her. He pants, his head turned to the side, wishing he could still watch her.

“Look at you.” Kim says in a mocking tone, “You’re such a little whore. I could do anything to you right now and you’d just _take it_ , wouldn’t you Jimmy?”

“Yeah, I would.” Jimmy groans into the mattress and spreads his knees.

He smiles when he hears the nightstand drawer slide open followed by a soft _click_ when Kim opens the bottle of lube. She reaches down and pushes her index finger into him gradually, massaging him gently. Jimmy turns his head and whines into the mattress. She adds another finger, scissoring them to stretch him open. She moves agonizingly slow and he can hardly stand it. He strains against his cuffs, wishing his could touch himself. Anything to get relief.

Jimmy tries to rut against Kim’s fingers, but it’s hard to get leverage with his knees sinking into the soft mattress. He groans with frustration.

An embarrassing whine slips from him when Kim adds a third finger, making her laugh. He rocks his hips constantly now, his cock bobbing rock hard between his thighs and rubbing deliciously against his abdomen. His face heats up when she pushes her fingers deeper and curls them, brushing his prostate. He cries out and ruts desperately against her fingers, making breathy little moans that grow louder every time she hits that spot inside him. She presses her fingers in deeper and just holds them there, massaging him firmly in steady circles. Jimmy can hardly breathe but Kim won’t let up. Precum dribbles from him and slowly drips down onto the bedspread.

 _"Baby, please.”_ He begs her, his voice cracking in desperation.

Kim withdraws her fingers and he spreads his knees a little to steady himself. He waits, his breaths coming harsh and fast. He hears the lube bottle snap open again, and a couple moments later the tip of her cock bumps up against his entrance. He can hear her panting with excitement as she wraps her hands around his hips.

Kim drives into him and Jimmy chokes on his breath. She settles into a rapid, steady rhythm, making soft moans in time with her thrusts. Jimmy closes his eyes, his thoughts mercifully blotted out by sensation and the beautiful sounds Kim is making behind him. She grabs his bound wrists and pulls him back against her as she snaps her hips forward. Jimmy gives a breathy shout as she plunges even deeper, hitting that spot inside him perfectly.

His cries and shouts fill the apartment. They’re going to get noise complaints (again). She probably should’ve used a gag on him.

Kim pauses to let Jimmy catch his breath.

“Ahh, don’t stop, please...” He groans.

Kim pulls out and walks around to the opposite side of the bed, kneeling on the mattress and gently helping Jimmy up to his knees. His sweaty hair is plastered down across his forehead, hanging into his eye. Kim leans over and brushes it back off his forehead, gently kissing his eyebrow. She lays back on the bed and motions for him to come forward.

“Ride me, Jimmy.”

Jimmy’s breath hitches with excitement and he awkwardly shuffles on his knees across the mattress, trying to keep his balance while his wrists ache against the small of his back. Kim reaches out and holds his hips to steady him as he hoists up his leg to straddle her.

He lines himself up and before he has a chance to lower himself onto her, she bucks her hips and pulls him downward, impaling him.

 _"Oh shit!"_ Jimmy cries out, pain mixing with pleasure, the intensity almost toppling him over.

Kim pauses and looks up at him. He can tell she wants to check in with him.

"Keep going.” Jimmy moans, smiling while a couple stray tears roll down his face.

Kim is being gentler than usual; she must be worried. She continues thrusting up into him, holding his hips to keep him firmly anchored.

Kim's eyes wander all over him, making him feel exposed. He closes his eyes and hangs his head to the side to rest on his shoulder, letting his jaw fall slack. His hard cock bobs up and down with her thrusts, slapping her stomach. Kim runs her hands up and down his sides and watches him with a smile on her lips.

“God Jimmy, you’re such a slut. I wish you could see yourself right now.” Kim smirks.

 _“Oh fuck.”_ Jimmy groans and trembles as Kim picks up the pace, sweat beading on his forehead as he struggles to stay upright.

“There you go, baby. You can take it.”

Her encouragement pulls at him like a hook in his gut, and he moans continually as pressure mounts inside him. He feels overwhelmingly full and his balls ache for release. He longs to touch himself and uselessly tries to pull his wrists apart. He watches Kim’s breasts bouncing as she snaps her hips up into him and he grunts with frustration, longing to feel her hard nipples against his tongue.

Kim sees his arms straining and drops her hand down to grip his cock. He whines with relief and thrusts through the ring of her fist, drunk on the sensation of both fucking and being fucked. She starts to jerk him roughly as she thrusts up into him faster and harder, grunting with effort. Jimmy starts chanting her name softly under his breath as she pounds into him.

Kim stills and sits up with Jimmy still impaled on her cock. She shifts herself back against the headboard, and he shuffles along unsteadily with her, gasping at the sensation of being pulled forward from the inside.

Jimmy leans his forehead against the headboard beside Kim's head, relieved at not having to support himself anymore. He turns and kisses her passionately, accidentally clicking their teeth together. Kim laughs softly at his clumsy enthusiasm and gives him a little grin. She wraps her arms around him and holds him close, pressing his cock up against her belly.

Jimmy makes a guttural moan of bliss, thrusting forward so his dick rubs against her stomach. His muscles tremble with effort, and tears spring to his eyes. He freezes as tears begin steadily rolling down his cheeks, struggling uselessly to hold them back. He buries his face in the crook of Kim’s neck so she can't see.

She turns and presses a kiss to the skin just under his earlobe.

"It's okay, Jimmy." She whispers, "let it out."

Jimmy lets out a muffled sob into Kim's hair and begins fucking himself on her once more. Kim holds him closer and begins to lick and suck his earlobe.

"Oh fuck, oh _ffffuck_ Kim, so close!" He sobs against her neck.

"Jimmy, you take my cock so well." She growls and bites into the soft skin of his neck.

Jimmy gasps sharply and nuzzles eagerly into the crook of Kim’s neck. She always knows exactly which buttons to press.

Kim reaches around and grabs his ass cheeks, digging her nails into his flesh. She hugs him tighter to increase the friction on his cock, moaning softly as each of Jimmy's movements bumps against her clit.

Jimmy's voice pitches higher, his sobs becoming thin and raspy.

 _"Kim, please!"_ Jimmy begs, rocking his hips frantically.

"You're such a good boy, Jimmy." Kim purrs in his ear, _"come for me."_

Jimmy whimpers helplessly as the pressure inside him boils over. His body convulses and he groans open-mouthed against Kim's neck. She holds him down on her cock while he rides out his orgasm. When he finally sags against her, his mind is mercifully empty.

Kim tenderly kisses along his collarbone and rubs his back gently while he pants and shudders against her. Several minutes pass and his breathing evens out and deepens. Kim starts to get uncomfortable trapped under Jimmy’s weight. She tries to shift him off, but he doesn’t respond at all. He’s fallen asleep.

She runs her hand gently through his hair and turns to kiss his cheek.

“Jimmy, wake up” she whispers in his ear.

He stirs and starts to move, before realizing the dildo is still inside him and letting out a small grunt of discomfort. Kim helps him up off her and cleans them both up with the cloth from her nightstand. She removes Jimmy’s restraints and rubs his wrists soothingly.

Jimmy reaches down beneath the dildo and brushes his fingers along the inside of her thigh.

“Now it’s your turn.” Jimmy murmurs sleepily.

“This was just for you, don’t worry about me.” Kim interrupts, grabbing his wrist. “Besides, we should go… just in case.”

Kim’s words grip his chest like a hot vice. She’s right. He gets up from the bed and opens the closet to look for their suitcases.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One day he’ll wake up and he won’t think about it. He just has to make it until then.

Jimmy stands in Chuck's backyard, staring at a large pile of electronics, when Chuck opens the back door and carelessly tosses a blender toward the pile, smashing it on the patio stones.

"Jeez, watch it!" Jimmy scowls and steps back to avoid the flying shards of glass.

Chuck pauses, breathing heavily as he wipes the sweat from his brow with the sleeve of his shirt. He doesn't seem to hear Jimmy, but this wouldn't be the first time he's given him the silent treatment.

"We need to talk, I –" Jimmy stammers as Chuck turns and heads back into the house.

"Hey, wait!" Jimmy follows as Chuck turns the corner into the kitchen.

When Jimmy rounds the corner, Chuck is nowhere to be seen. He peers into the kitchen and notices the cupboards are torn open, and the light fixtures ripped from the ceiling. Still, no Chuck. A familiar burning scent invades his nostrils.

"Where are you?" Jimmy is getting anxious now, running from room to room.

When he enters the study, he’s overwhelmed by thick, acrid smoke. Stacks of files tower all around the room, feeding the flames, and the drywall is riddled with gaping holes, cables and wires spilling out of them like entrails.

"Chuck!" Jimmy shouts into the smoke, coughing when he tries to inhale.

He hunches down and peers beneath the thick haze. He can just make out a silhouette seated at the desk on the opposite end of the room. He pulls his shirt up over his mouth and nose and rushes across the room, moving quickly to avoid the flames. Jimmy reaches the desk and notices the remnants of a white gas lantern scattered across the floor. He slowly peers up over the edge of the desk.

Chuck’s corpse sits in the chair, his eyes closed and skin blackened. His clothing is melted and fused to his skin from the intense heat, his hair all but burned away.

Jimmy moans in revulsion and despair. "Oh god –"

He looks down and sees flames licking up his jeans, but his body has gone completely numb. Maybe dying doesn't hurt the way he thought it would. Suddenly, the corpse’s eyes snap open and its mouth bends into a grin, burned lips cracking apart. Jimmy stares glassy-eyed as it begins to speak.

"The truth is, you've never mattered all that much to me." The voice is thin and rattling, like a rake scraping over concrete.

Jimmy covers his eyes and groans in anguish. The corpse’s jaw unhinges as it begins to laugh, its grating screech overpowering the roar of the flames building higher around them. Jimmy screams as he’s overcome by the worst pain he's ever felt.

He collapses to the floor, howling and convulsing as the flames devour him, the corpse's laughter echoing in his skull. His clothes begin to burn away and the skin on his arms bubbles and peels like old wallpaper. He gasps for breath and his lungs fill with ash. Hands clamp down on his shoulders and yank him back abruptly.

“Jimmy, wake up!” Kim shouts, shaking him frantically.

He shudders, utterly disoriented and drenched with sweat. Kim leans over him, her face partially revealed by the moonlight streaming through the window of their hotel room. His chest heaves as he coughs and tries to catch his breath. 

"I'm fine, it was just a dream." He rasps with a weak smile, his stomach turning.

"Jimmy, you were… screaming. I mean, _really_ screaming, and thrashing around.” Kim’s voice trembles and she grabs his hand.

Jimmy clears his throat in embarrassment. “I’m sorry I woke you.”

“I don’t care about that.” Kim exhales with relief. “I thought Lalo –” her voice chokes off and he can tell she’s trying not to cry.

“No, no, I’m okay.” Jimmy squeezes her hand weakly. “I’ll be right back.”

Jimmy rushes to the bathroom on shaky legs, and barely reaches the sink in time. He heaves weakly and vomits into the sink, gripping the edge of the basin to hold himself steady. When he’s finally done, he turns on the tap and glances up, noticing Kim’s reflection watching him from the doorway. He groans and splashes cold water on his face. She flicks the light on and steps closer.

Jimmy pants over the sink, waiting for the room to stop spinning. He grabs the small courtesy bottle of mouthwash from beside the soap dish and rinses, trying to rid his mouth of the sour sting of bile.

“Are you okay?” Kim asks, furrowing her brow and gently rubbing his back.

“Yeah, I’m good.” Jimmy rasps, slicking back his damp hair and turning off the tap.

He straightens up and something in the mirror catches his eye. Fresh, bright crimson blood is splattered against the white cotton of his shirt, directly over his heart. Jimmy gives a strangled gasp and stumbles backward, eyes wide and nostrils flared. Kim’s startled reflection backs away from him. Her lips move but he can’t hear her over the thunder rolling in his skull. He struggles to draw breath and his heart is in a freefall. He closes his eyes and sways.

Jimmy wakes up to his shoulders aching against hard tile and the softness of a towel beneath his head. Kim hunches beside him, her eyes wilder than he’s ever seen them.

“I’m calling 911, don’t move.” Kim’s forehead is beaded with sweat and her eyes dart all over him appraisingly.

“No!” Jimmy grabs her wrist before she can stand. “No.” he repeats more softly. “I’m okay, please.”

Kim reaches down and cups his face with her hands.

“You passed out.” Kim says, wiping sweat from her forehead with the back of her hand. “If I hadn’t gotten you to lay down when I did, you would’ve cracked your head open.”

Jimmy frowns. He can’t remember any of that. The last thing he remembers is watching her reflection.

“There was –” Jimmy pauses and brushes his hand over his heart, his fingers come away clean.

He exhales roughly and closes his eyes, letting his head fall back on the towel.

“When did you last eat?” Kim asks, rubbing her hand in circles over his chest.

“I uh, had a couple saltines last night before…" He trails off, remembering he was just swallowing them when Lalo knocked on their door. He sighs and kneads his forehead with his knuckles.

“Just stay here, don’t get up.” Kim says softly. “I’ll be right back.”

He hears the door of their hotel room swing open and close again, and a dam breaks inside him. Jimmy begins to sob, fisting his hands in his undershirt and gritting his teeth against the deluge. He’s more useless than ever. He shouldn’t need so much coddling, but he’s so tired. He’s hardly slept more than a couple hours at a time since he returned from the desert, and it’s wearing on him.

One day he’ll wake up and he won’t think about it. He just has to make it until then. He sits up and shifts back until he reaches the wall and leans heavily against it. He stares down at his hands and has the strangest sensation that they’re not his. He wiggles his fingers and tries to confirm they _are_ in fact his hands, but his body has gone numb. He doesn’t feel anything at all, not even the floor and wall supporting him. It’s oddly comforting, being outside of himself, not _feeling_ anymore. He stops sobbing, though his tears continue to fall.

Suddenly another set of hands clasps his own and he startles, snapping his head up.

"Hey, are you okay?” Kim’s voice sounds far away, even though her face is only inches from his.

She squeezes his hands tightly in hers, and he slowly comes back to himself.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He replies softly.

Kim stands up and offers her hand. He grabs it and presses back against the wall to push himself up. She leads him back out into the room and sits him down at the table, where she’s laid out a banana, an orange and a bag of pretzels.

“They’re not serving breakfast quite yet,” Kim says sheepishly, “but you should eat something.”

She drapes her arms around him from behind and kisses the top of his head.

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" She murmurs into his hair.

He pinches his eyes shut and holds her arms against his chest, kissing the fold of her elbow.

"I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping." He rasps, gripping her arms tighter. "I don't know what to do."

"Tell me about it, Jimmy. I can listen." Kim pulls away and sits down at the table with him.

He sighs and hangs his head. Why should he burden her with all this? He brought it on himself. Luckily, Kim lets him off easy and doesn’t press him. She retrieves the banana and peels it open, offering it to him.

"Kim, I can still peel bananas by myself." He scoffs and accepts it with a small smile.

"I know." Kim tears open the bag of pretzels, plucking one out and popping it into her mouth.

Jimmy eats the banana faster than he meant to, and his stomach is still growling at him. He folds up the peel and sets it aside, glancing down at the orange in the centre of the table. Kim reaches out and taps the orange, sending it rolling toward him. He catches it as it falls over the edge of the table, saving it from the floor. He digs his nails in and starts peeling it.

Jimmy steals a glance at Kim. She's looking down into the bag, selecting another pretzel. Something catches his eye – a dark red welt on her bicep. He reaches out and brushes his fingers over it. She winces and sucks a breath through her teeth.

"What happened?" Jimmy asks cautiously, pulling his hand back.

Kim hesitates and eats another pretzel.

"It's nothing." She waves him off and folds up the bag, setting it down on the table.

"That's not nothing." Jimmy insists, tightness building in his throat. "It's gonna bruise up like crazy."

She glances up at him with pursed lips and that’s when it dawns on him.

"Wait… did I –" His voice shakes and pitches higher. "When I was having my nightmare, I must've –"

"Jimmy, you were _asleep."_ Kim reassures him, placing her hand on his thigh. "It's not your fault."

Jimmy trembles and tries to hold it in, but he _hurt Kim_. He doesn't know how to make this better. What if this keeps happening? Is it safe to share a bed with him anymore? He feels something dripping through his fingers and notices he's crushed the orange in his fist.

He sets the mangled orange down on the table and rushes to the bathroom. Tears are welling up in his eyes and the floor is dropping out from under his feet. He's a fuck-up, even when he's asleep.

"Jimmy!" Kim tries to grab his arm as he passes but he side-steps her.

Jimmy turns on the tap and washes his hands, the smell of the orange turning his stomach. Kim enters behind him and he splashes water on his face to hide his tears. She wraps her arms around him and leans her head against his back. He turns the tap off and stares down into the sink.

"I'm so sorry, Kim." Jimmy’s voice cracks.

He drops his elbows to the countertop and rests his head in his hands.

"Please don't beat yourself up over this." Kim murmurs, offering him a towel.

Jimmy accepts it with a sigh and dries his face, shaking his head.

"You're my wife." He rasps. "I'm supposed to protect you, not hurt you."

"Accidents happen, Jimmy. Let it go, for your own sake." Kim turns him around and pulls him down to kiss her. "I’m okay. I promise."

Kim grabs his hand and leads him back to bed. He glances at the clock radio on the nightstand and sees it's nearly 5:00 AM.

"Don't you have court?"

"I did, but not anymore." Kim lays down in the bed.

Jimmy sits down beside her. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I am." Kim gives him a tired smile. "I just quit Schweikart. I can take a day off."

Jimmy feels warmth bloom in his chest before his brain has a chance to shut it down. She wants to spend time with him, even after everything he's done wrong. His exhausted body is flooded with relief, knowing they should be safe, at least for today.

Kim pats the spot beside her, and Jimmy climbs over her and flops down.

"How about we watch something, and I'll order us some breakfast soon?"

"Best idea I've heard all morning." Jimmy grins.

He pulls himself over to Kim and rests his head on her shoulder, wrapping his arm around her waist. She smiles and kisses his forehead. She reaches for the remote and flicks the tv on but not five minutes later, he's fallen asleep. Kim sighs softly with relief and kisses the top of his head and whispers how much she loves him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading 🥰 Kudos and comments appreciated. The next chapter is sfw art.
> 
> The title was inspired by "Talk" by Hozier, a very McWexler song in my opinion.
> 
> Check out [my profile](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmallVictories/profile)


	3. SFW chapter 1 companion art

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Companion art for chapter 1 by the wonderful @krokorobin. Check him out on [tumblr](https://krokorobin.tumblr.com/) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/KrokoRobin?s=20).


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